Convention Trepidation

I've been talking with a few people on Twitter about why I have serious concerns about attending a large furry convention again. To explain, allow me to summarize my experiences at cons with at least a thousand attendees.

Anthrocon 2006 was possibly the least enjoyable vacation I've ever had. In addition to severe problems with the staff and security, it was literally impossible to get a hold of anyone to arrange anything. I did bump into one or two people by chance but I ended up being unable to even find folks to go out to get a bite to eat with most of the time, let alone actually spend some time hanging out. One of the only fond memories I had there was spending an hour or so chatting with Kharnak and some of the social stuff that happened after the con was over in the public spaces of the hotel.

Furry Weekend Atlanta 2009 was problematic because the con was growing faster than the staff could keep up with. I could tell they were trying - I certainly give them the benefit of the doubt on that - but attempting to be social once again proved all but impossible. Nobody would answer messages I sent asking if people wanted to get food or hang out; I can only recall one meal during that entire four-day weekend where I got to sit down and actually talk with other people. I placed third at the poker tournament and won a free attending membership to 2010 which I ended up not using.

Further Confusion 2010 was the last huge con I attended. The staff was extremely friendly, I'll give them that, but they also seemed rather inept; even basic questions about events were hard to find answers to. I went as and regretted being a supersponsor; the special meal was a joke and the other perks were basically nonexistent. Every panel I wanted to attend ended up not running at all or was full beyond capacity and I was not allowed into the room. Several people I wanted to see once again made themselves impossible to get hold of, despite the fact I now was actively keeping up with Twitter and attempting to contact anyone I could. One group of "friends" even flat out told me that yes, they were all hanging out together and no, I was not welcome to join them. A room party I arranged resulted in a lot awkwardness after I was kinda pushed off to the side early on and one of those aforementioned "friends" became the center of attention; I also had a bit of explaining to do to hotel staff about the mess that people left behind.

In the case of all the above conventions, of the people who said they wanted to do things during the weekend - such as getting dinner, playing a game, hanging out in a room, etc. - I'd say at least 90% of them made it impossible to even get hold of them to try arrange something or told me flat-out that I was not welcome to join them after all. One of those people apologized; the rest I've simply not spoken to since.

There's one exception, of course, as is the case with mots ru, it's the reason I don't know if I want to go to next weekend's con or not.

Midwest Furfest 2008 is the only larger con I actually don't have overwhelmingly negative memories of. I had a roommate that actually took me out to dinner with them. I was able to find things to do most of the time. There were certainly moments of extreme frustration, though, such as the fact everyone I knew there was already "busy" at a room party by about 9 PM every night during the con, which left me nothing to do and nobody to do it with. I ended up just going to bed early and, in turn, was one of the first people up each morning; on the upside, I at least found people to enjoy breakfast with each day. I actually got recognized by some people that I was genuinely shocked to be recognized by. If nothing else, it didn't leave me with such an overwhelmingly negative opinion that I never want to go back, which is a lot more than I can say about AC, FWA, or FC.

So now here I am, trying to figure out if I want to go or not. I'd previously written off any chance of attending due to work, but through a bizarre coincidence I actually have Friday through Sunday off and fiscal prudence has ensured I've enough cash on hand that I could go if I really wanted to. But do I want to? Several people on Twitter have said they'd like to hang out, to get food, and so on if I attend... but I've heard all those promises before from a lot of people that ended up not following through. I have a much larger pool of people to try get hold of this time, thanks largely to Twitter (how the fuck am I up to 400 followers?), and the fact I've successfully organized some small furmeets here is encouraging. At the same time, I still have that fear that most people, given the choice between hanging out with me and hanging out with almost any other random furry, will go with that someone else instead. And yes, I am aware that it ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy if I don't at least put forth the effort to try, but at the same time I've tried before with extremely limited success.

A few upsides to MFF, if I did go: I haven't heard through the grapevine that any of the people I'd basically have to avoid are going, so it's somewhat less likely I'll end up in awkward situations brought on by past drama. It's within driving distance (four hours doesn't bother me) so I'd have my car available if I feel the need to leave earlier or just get away from the con for a little while. If things go well, they certainly have a chance to go very, very well.

The biggest problems? Getting over the social anxieties I've elaborated above and the logistical issues of actually finding a decent room on less than a week's notice.

So what now? I post this and see if anyone actually reads and comments upon this massive wall of text.

Doing things for others and seeking reciprocation

So, generally speaking, I like doing things for people. Whether it's giving people a ride to an event, taking them out for dinner, being the one to drive a long distance to hang out with someone else, or just letting them hang out for a while at a place where they won't be bothered by their roommates/family. At the same time, I'm getting really frustrated by a long-running trend of people who are capable of actually returning the favor making zero attempt at doing so. I try not to be unreasonable in expectations but when I spend hours putting effort into making things happen and then don't even get a response when I'm poking them the next day it's extremely discouraging and depressing.

I'm really not sure what to do about this, either. I don't want to be that asshole who starts saying "What's in it for me?" every time someone asks for a favor. I don't want to completely ignore the needs of others; it's simply not in my nature to refuse to help out an acquaintance when I'm capable of doing so. At the same time, why can't the people I'm doing things for/with even acknowledge my efforts with some token of their appreciation? If there were a good answer of that I wouldn't have felt on the verge of tears for most of the night.

Possibly related to this: Why do so many people I have an issue with end up making it impossible to actually talk to them about it? I end up ignored or explicitly blocked by a rather frustratingly large proportion of people when I say "we need to talk" or something to that effect.

On what may be my last furcon

So, IndyFurCon is this weekend. I ended up going Saturday, getting a one-day pass. Overall, I simply ended up reminded of every reason that being social in the fandom is impossible unless you're already reasonably popular.

I picked up a friend last night and took him with me to the convention; we arrived around 12:30. That was just in time for the fursuit parade, of which I took a couple dozen photos. From there, it was on to the Artists' Alley and Dealers' Den, where I commissioned a couple of things. And then... pretty much nothing. I bumped into a couple people along the way and we chatted briefly, but the time between the parade and dinner was generally so uneventful that I could probably be convinced those four hours didn't actually exist.

Dinner was the one highlight of the day. We had a total of seventeen furs at a local burger place; four of them actually finished the one-pound burger that is the establishment's signature menu item. Conversations were had; contact information was exchanged. Eventually, though, the food was done and everyone made their way back to the hotel.

That's pretty much where the night fell apart. Everyone scattered quickly after we returned. This also included the friend that came with me; he left with a strong implication of doing adult things with someone else at the con. Of the half dozen or so people I'd exchanged information with during dinner, just one bothered sending me a text afterwards and he was clearly too drunk to be of any interest. I briefly got involved in a card game, but that wound down maybe half an hour after I joined in. By then, the dance was in full swing and anyone who was going to attend a room party had already disappeared for the night. I tried unsuccessfully to get other people to join in a game, but to no avail.

While wandering con space, someone bumped into me that I'd rather not have seen. The conversation was rather terse; I told him very directly that I was not going to forgive him for things he'd done to me in the past because he'd shown no intention of apologizing. He kept talking; I offered to take him back to my place out of little more than desperation; when he declined I stopped paying much attention to anything he said. During all this, the friend who I'd given a ride to told me that he wasn't going to be coming home with me after all... this at 11 PM, at which point it was already far too late for me to even attempt finding a room there.

Once he left, I was pulled into a conversation with two other friends who'd been too busy to even give me the time of day prior to that; ultimately I got invited back to their room. Things happened but I get the impression that it was out of pity more than genuine interest, especially as I was shooed out of the room rather abruptly when it became feasible for me to be asked to leave. It was late, sure, but it still came across as one of those people would've rather liked to see me leave an hour earlier than I did.

So, as a result of all this? Everyone else I even slightly care about at the convention is curled up with someone else at the hotel tonight, if not doing considerably more than just snuggling, while I had a half hour drive home. I get to curl up, alone, with nothing more than shattered hopes and empty promises for company. While it was certainly nice to meet a couple of people in the afternoon, it's not worth spending several hours in the evening getting increasingly despondent from being collectively ignored by everyone I'd had even the slightest hope of spending some time with.

I seriously doubt I'm going to be trying to attend a convention again in the future, of any size. If someone explicitly invites me to share a room with them and buys my badge, I might consider it, but even then I'd have to think about it before subjecting myself to little more than an expensive form of social rejection. In the meantime, I'm going to take what amounts to little more than an extended nap in the vain hope of finding someone interested in getting breakfast early tomorrow morning.

Just another rant about nonsense

Today has been one crappy thing after another.

• Started off in a decent mood, which was quickly screwed shortly after arriving at work. I got there with plenty of time to spare, then the late-night office lackey wasted fifteen minutes messing around with my paperwork even after both I and the terminal manager have repeatedly told him that he just needs to hand paperwork to drivers so we can go.
• I get into the truck I had yesterday and discovered that they actually fixed something I wrote up. Unfortunately, I also wrote up the malfunctioning air conditioning and they didn't seem to bother repairing that. It was tolerable until the sun came up, but after that, forget it.
• Despite the delays at the terminal this morning, I made up a surprising amount of time on the road and arrived at my first stop on time, only to find that I was at the end of a long line of trucks at the guard shack. This meant, according to their time stamp by the time I finally got into the facility, I was ten minutes late. Whatever.
• Upon returning after my first run, I was told my second trip had been canceled for some reason. I found this particularly strange, as the trailer for my load had just arrived with the parts for delivery. After almost twenty minutes of moving equipment around and failed attempts to call HQ to confirm this, one of the terminal staff looked it up themselves and - oops - it turns out my trip wasn't canceled. That's another big chunk of time completely wasted due to incompetence.
• On my way to my second trip, the air conditioning crapped out completely; it was more effective to simply leave the windows partially down. This, however, led to my phone overheating and quickly losing charge. By the time I'd arrived at my second stop, it was hot to the touch.
• After my second stop, I got into the truck again and started rolling. My phone crapped out shortly thereafter and the lousy radio antenna couldn't pick up anything. For a good 50 miles, I had nothing to listen to except grumbling to myself.
• I decided to fuel at the earlier of two truck stops available to us this week. From the Interstate, it looked like there were a couple of fuel lanes open... once I got down there, somehow they'd completely filled up and two more trucks were in line before me. Once I got to the fuel island, I found that the pay-at-the-pump system was broken, requiring me to go inside before I could even start filling the truck up.
• After I finished fueling, I got onto the highway again... and ended up JUST behind an oversized load that was causing significant backups. Both lanes were filled with tailgating vehicles doing 15-20 mph under the speed limit. The mess didn't clear up for almost ten miles, as there was a work zone immediately past where that rig exited.
• When I got back to Indianapolis, the terminal manager claims he was asking all drivers to give their keys back. At everywhere else I've ever worked, turning your keys in equates very directly to being fired. I told him as much; he said to turn the keys in anyway and repeated his thinly-veiled excuse. If I don't have a job or a key tomorrow morning it's going to be quite a conscious act of will to not set fire to the place.
• Once home, I found that UPS had attempted to deliver a package that I'd been eagerly waiting for all day. Their website never said it was out for delivery; if I had any idea when it might arrive I'd have asked someone else to sign for it. I called UPS and got told the local terminal would call me back "within an hour" to arrange for me to pick it up there. So, instead of getting a shower and trying to feel slightly better, I was left waiting for a phone call. Note that my cell phone is still screwed up from earlier, so, obviously, it never rang. They left me a message helpfully telling me that I could pick it up between 6 and 8. That might be nice if I didn't have an appointment with my hair stylist at 6, which I'm now going to be late for thanks to waiting on that phone call.

So, as a result of all this, I'm hot, sweaty, have a potentially broken cell phone, may or may not be able to pick up an order from Amazon that I'd been eagerly waiting for, will be late for the appointment to get my hair done, probably won't get dinner in a timely manner this evening, and definitely won't be getting anywhere near eight hours of sleep by the time everything is done. Now to go deal with rush hour traffic as I try to make it through one of the most congested parts of Indianapolis.

Actually, I don't have to respect anything

"You don't have to respect my beliefs, but you DO have to respect my morals, and I WILL fight you over them." A ha ha ha no.

Someone I know put the above quote up as their status message earlier tonight as a rather blatantly obvious passive aggressive swing at me. So, I'll return serve with another blog post, as directly talking to the individual in question has proven to be entirely pointless.

A bit of background: I'd already had a shitty day, between things at work and other frustrations online. This person offered to play a game with me, but only if I asked other friends I was already playing with not to join. He thinks they're too bad at the game to be worth playing with at all. In an effort to avoid hurting anyone's feelings, I instead told those people that I was going to be joining a full group and that it would be impossible for them to accompany me. This person then became absolutely incensed that I'd dare tell even the smallest of lies, even with the sole intention of being polite, and refused to do anything than argue from his moral high horse as if I am the absolute scum of the earth for saying anything other than "You suck, so I'd rather play with someone who can tell their ass from a hole in the ground."

So rather than actually getting to play an enjoyable round of something with someone I'd like to consider a friend (something that I seem to have to re-evaluate with distressing frequency), I instead got something halfway between a lecture and a sermon until I used his own severely flawed "logic" to justify signing off with the intention of not speaking to him again until at least this weekend. Apparently, to this person, being "right" is more important than actually being a decent person and not treating someone who's already upset like a soggy bag of shit. Never mind the fact that I could've just as easily called him out on his own broken promise to play a game with me over the weekend; apparently his lies are completely irrelevant.

In an absolute shocking twist, I must make a confession: I have morals of my own. Yes, even a godless hedonist fur-fag has a moral code. I think it's more important to ensure that someone's feelings aren't needlessly hurt than to be brutally honest at all times. I also think that it's hugely important to keep your word; if you tell someone you're going to do something you should do it unless extenuating circumstances make it impossible or completely and totally impractical to do so. My morals are somewhat malleable, but I feel that it's better to be flexible and pragmatic than to be rigid and unwilling to consider the circumstances around a situation. One size does not fit all.

In a direct comment to the person who has prompted this post, as I know you'll read this: Do yourself a favor and don't comment on it. I have absolutely no desire to hear your response; that's why I signed off in the first place. Take a moment to contemplate that, before you have any business demanding people respect your morals, you should attempt to respect theirs.

Where sexuality meets respect

An acquaintance and I were talking earlier this afternoon. I'd mentioned something I'd written that may have been partially relevant to his interests. While I knew he wasn't going to like every aspect of it - there was one kink in particular that I knew he would be disinterested in - I went ahead and shared anyway.

His immediate response? "Ew XD"

...

This is a very good example of the kind of reaction I fear I'll get any time I share something that isn't perfectly acceptable in every way by every person that might come across it. It has a lot to do with why I tend not to do nearly as much writing as I used to and, in part, why I seem to be far more active on Twitter than almost anywhere else: It's rather difficult to be controversial in 140 characters or less. Considering that the sort of things I like most are the sort of things I also basically don't have an audience for, why should I bother?

After his first post he did say it was decently written and detailed - though he refused to say anything more specific about details he liked - but never once did he apologize for his initial "lighthearted" reaction even after I said I found it highly offensive and insensitive. Instead, he went off on a rant and said he thought I expected him to be his "submissive little *****" (censorship his, but no points for guessing the meaning) when I simply expected a bit of common decency from someone who also has a kink that would absolutely disgust most people.

This is especially troubling given that the person in question has been pushing me hard to be more open with him, to trust him, and all manner of other things that he - frankly - hasn't earned. I'm not sure I can even respect him any more, let alone some of the other things he said he wanted and implied he expected. After I said that his reaction makes it extremely unlikely that I'll be sharing much of anything with him in the future, he took offense to that without acknowledging I just might have had a valid reason to be upset in the first place.

All I expect from people with regard to such things is a little bit of respect. There's a massive difference between going "ew" and saying "I'm not really into that, but thanks anyway." This holds doubly true for people who explicitly ask me to share more things with them, though that has been an incredibly rare occurrence for me in recent years and has led me to just be quiet about my personal stuff most of the time.

I honestly have no idea what to do about this particular incident, but I'm still extremely upset about it several hours later. I'm no longer physically shaking, as I was at the time, but I'm literally losing sleep over it. If this weren't still bugging me I'd probably have been in bed sleeping soundly an hour or two ago. Instead I'm writing this out to try get it off my mind. I doubt the offending individual will ever read this; part of me hopes he doesn't. I also have no intention of publicly naming and shaming him; my conscience wouldn't allow it. So I'm just posting this here and ... well, whatever happens, happens.

Another attempt at loosely defining my sex life.

I posted this on an adult website two nights ago and am reasonably certain nobody will ever read it there, so I'm reposting it here. Be warned that this is possibly too much information regarding my offline sexual interests. Reader discretion is advised.

Though I signed up here some time ago, I've only finally gotten around to browsing the site this evening. As such it seems appropriate that I write at least something here by means of introduction.

First, a tl;dr version, for those just browsing pages: I'd like to actually start doing some things offline that I've been doing via cybersex for years.

Now, for those wanting a more thorough explanation:

My interests started overwhelmingly in macro and furry. Yes, I was one of those people that enjoyed Godzilla a little too much, among too many other things to list here. So I started looking for porn, somehow ended up on a site that also agreed that Godzilla was sexy, and the rest has pretty much been history.

Most of my sexual experiences have been within the scope of the furry fandom. Given that furries tend to spend way too much time online (myself included), this has resulted in a considerable number of fantastic RP experiences. Many of them are things that are simply impossible in real life, such as trying to masturbate a 300-foot-long dragon, but some of them have also helped to define some the kinks that I've either enjoyed offline or things that I'd really like to try.

And this is the problem with trying to explore some of those interests: I have absolutely no idea where to begin. I've been to a gay club, once, and felt incredibly awkward as I don't know how to approach someone to express an interest. While I have had a few good experiences at furry conventions, mostly thanks to room parties arranged on a now-defunct Yahoo group, I haven't had much luck outside of that setting. Anyone I've had sex with that I didn't meet at a convention has been someone that was introduced as a friend of a friend. While that does help weed out most of the crazy, it also leads to things being a rather overly-tight circle(jerk) and doesn't give me much chance of finding someone who actually is into most of the things I'm into.

So what am I into? Good question, frankly. While I have a page on F-list, many of those things would be either foolish or impossible to do offline. At some point I'll probably transcribe most of that over here, but there's the link in the meantime. I list myself as "unsure" here because I'm not sure which category I'd fit into, or even if I'll fit into any one category at all. I certainly prefer being a bottom, though I can occasionally top for a good friend or for someone whose limits I'm already familiar with. I like the concept of being submissive or even a slave, but have serious reservations about getting into such things full time. Besides, I like the thought of telling people "Fuck me already" from time to time, which seems far too assertive for someone strictly submissive. Kinkster or fetishist may also fit, given the somewhat long list of kinks I'd be interested in trying, but there are also plenty of times that I'd just like to curl up with someone and simply give them a long, relatively vanilla blowjob.

It seems only fitting that this has turned into a long, rambling, jumbled narrative, as that seems to describe things quite well on its own. Sometimes I think too much about stuff, or go on for far longer than strictly necessary. And then sometimes my train of thought abruptly comes to an end, leaving me with no idea what to say or do next. This has suddenly become one of those times.

Guilty Pleasures... but mostly guilty

Cross-posted from Google+. RL sex-related stuff follows. Nothing blatantly explicit but reader discretion is advised.

I have had a bit of a realization when it comes to my sex life: I end up feeling guilty about enjoying myself in ways that might not be "approved of" by a wider audience. Perhaps, to generalize even further, I feel guilty when I'm happy. There have been a few times where I've declined something I would have enjoyed for absolutely no obvious reason, such as offers for RP by several people over the weekend or even just playful teasing by text message.

I rather wish I had a solution to that problem, as I'd like to be able to actually go enjoy sex without giving a damn what others might think if they knew what I enjoyed.


Edit: Perhaps I should elaborate further on this, as it's been bugging me enough that it deserves more than one paragraph. I've basically been told I "shouldn't" think of people mostly for sex. And despite my occasionally fickle and usually-stuck-in-high-gear sex drive, I actually do have interests in doing things other than simply getting laid in whatever form is appropriate with a given partner. That said, I seem to have no idea where the line falls in which it is appropriate to inquire regarding sexual activity, nor do I seem to be able to get my superego to shut up long enough to actually let me "take advantage" of an offer from a willing partner.


I don't even know how to best approach someone to say "You're kinky, I'm kinky, let's go." Asking something like that makes me feel incredibly awkward, usually to the point that I just freeze up and don't say anything at all. This might have something to do with the fact I've had some exceptionally flaky "friends" with benefits - both past and present - sch that I end up getting turned down the overwhelming majority of the time. A friend recommended an adult site to me which might possibly lead to some more pleasant encounters, but I haven't even gotten up the nerve to set up my profile a week after signing up.


It seems particularly frustrating because part of my mind knows that I'm quite capable at social interactions when they're aided by a computer. If I could be half as successful at socializing offline as I am online - or at least convincingly fake being that competent for a while - I have no doubt that I'd resolve a lot of issues, sexual and otherwise. The problem is that I seem to be at a loss as to how to overcome that first hurdle.

On Google+ and names

As posted to Google+ this morning


An open letter to Google, and specifically :

Hi, I'm Shira Frozenmoon. That's *not* my legal name but it is who I am.

Yep, that's right, I don't have a single government-issued shred of evidence to back up that statement. However, I've been using that name on the web since at least October 2004 (or was it 2003?), well before I even got an invite to Gmail in April 2005. It's who I identify as on every other site I've used within the last decade, including Twitter, Steam, and countless other sites. I've even had mail addressed to Shira when friends have sent Christmas cards or gifts. Of the 159 people who currently have me in their circles, fewer than ten would recognize my legal name.

Looking at Google Dashboard, you already have - through various services - more than six years of e-mail (27000+ messages), 16001 recorded web searches, 947 photos, and 347 voicemails. More importantly, you have my full legal name, my present and previous addresses, my birthday, my phone number, four credit cards, my job history, a GPS-accurate history of everywhere I've been for the last two years, and (for tax reasons with AdSense) my social security number. That's more information than any other institution has, including my bank and my employer. Why? Because, until now, I trusted Google's "don't be evil" policy.

In exchange for this mountain of data, I've simply asked for Google to keep it private. I honestly don't care if it's processed by various algorithms to customize my experience on Google sites, such as by ranking news stories, search results, or providing more interesting advertisements. I do, however, care to keep that information from being shown to the public. Your own help pages advise parents to tell their children to never use real names online. Why do you expect adults to ignore that very sage advice? I don't want the things I get up to on the Internet with friends to be easily and readily linked to my professional life. I want to freely be able to discuss things, including work and my sex life, that would not necessarily be things I want permanently linked to my name.

The name policy has me fuming because, up until Google+ launched, it was implicit that I could use whatever name I wanted without it ever being questioned. Even now, I would fully support a name policy that prohibits people from using offensive nonsense or impersonating others. However, that's as far as any such policy should go. Google - nor anyone - should dictate what people can and cannot be known by. Even now, I can still use the name Shira Frozenmoon within other sites without it becoming an issue. I could use that name to sign up for another e-mail service, another blog, or pretty much anything less significant than signing an apartment lease. So if it's not an issue there, why is it an issue here?
At one point I had nearly seventy active users in my circles, possibly as many as 80. I've forgotten, but just 45 of those accounts remain as of right now. *As a result of the name policy - and that policy alone - you have removed at least a third of my friends from a service that I'd like to use with them.* You have told a third of the people I know personally that they would have to sacrifice their privacy _and_ the names they're commonly known by if they wanted to continue using Google+. What's the point of remaining on a social networking site where nobody knows your name? Quite simply, there isn't one.

Of those users who have been removed, none will even consider publicly displaying their legal names. Of those who are still here, I know several who are considering deleting their accounts before they get suspended just to make a statement about who they are. I also know several people who have decided not to sign up for Google+ because of concerns that they won't have an account for long before their names, too, get them banned from the service.

So why, in light of all this, am I making a public post to say that I, too, am willfully ignoring the name policy? Because the policy is, quite simply, somewhere between absurd and unconscionable. It actually prevents me from feeling safe using the name I'm most commonly known by. It diminishes the value of your service by making it harder to find people by the name I know them. It infringes upon the basic human right to have anonymous (or pseudonymous) communication. Notably, it has nothing to do with advertising; you already have an enormous collection of data that could be shared with advertisers in a private way. There is no compelling argument to force people to use their legal names just to communicate with their friends on the Internet.

The name policy needs to change, and it needs to change quickly. This is not a fight Google should even be trying to win. Please, don't be evil.

Sincerely,

(Not) Shira Frozenmoon

Live Blog from Unemployment Hearing

I've replaced my former boss's name with his first initial.

1:55 PM - Hearing begins. Judge confirmed my info and the company's info. They provided a PO Box in St. Louis. They also will be providing a witness: P.

1:57 PM - P will be the only person testifying for Schneider. Other person on line only served the call.

1:59 PM - Judge explained rules and right to appeal.

2:00 PM - Judge opens case, explains what is being discussed. Enters information to record for hearing purposes.

2:01 PM - Gave oath. Began testimony.

2:18 PM - Completed testiomony. Other side began.

2:21 PM - P claims I had four customer complaints and four service failures.

2:21 PM - P admitted to downsizing account.

2:22 PM - P claims to have offered me an OTR position. He did not.

2:22 PM - P claims I filed Fair & Equitable on Jan 2 and quit on Jan 9 despite work being available. [Reality: Both happened on January 7]

2:23 PM - P testimony ended.

2:24 PM - Late on 6/25, 7/2, 12/16, and...? 12/28 for customer compaint? Contradiction in testimoy

2:28 PM - Call disconnected?

2:29 PM - Call reconnected, but employer no longer on line. Judge will attempt reconnecting everyone.

2:33 PM - Judge still unable to reconnect with Schneider.

2:39 PM - Judge called back to try reconnect one more time. Connection successful.

2:42 PM - P says I was offered an OTR position and refused it.

2:43 PM - I object, stating such a thing was never offered nor investigated.

2:45 PM - Hearing adjourned. Written decision will be mailed within two weeks.

Everything Sucks

Yeah, I know, first world problems and all that. But right now, things just kind of suck. I had a lousy weekend for several reasons, have gotten stuck in a horrendous "job" situation, and cannot seem to find any redeeming quality in things right now.

I'm not going to elaborate excessively on the weekend as I don't want to offend most of the people involved. Suffice to say that there was a very, very wide gap between things that I thought were going to happen and things that actually did happen. Lunch plans for Saturday turned into plans for Sunday. People were very difficult to get a hold of and even more difficult to get to commit to plans. Even when things did end up happening it wasn't even close to what I'd hoped for, turning into the sort of disappointment that makes me wonder why I'd tried in the first place. At least if I stayed home I'd have saved on gas money.

Then there's this "job" thing. For those of you who tried to tell me it was a scam, please save your "I told you so comments" as they're not constructive. Several of the things I'd been told about it have proven to be entirely false. We were told that appointments would be made for us; I ended up having to knock on every door on the block several times. We were told that if we met certain criteria we'd be guaranteed a minimum amount of money; my experience today strongly suggests that those numbers are not attainable unless the stars align. I've also confirmed my suspicion that the average person is a lying bastard, something that fits entirely well with my misanthropic view of the world. While I did take a phone interview for a driving position, I'm lacking one of the required qualifications and am pessimistic about my odds even of hearing back.

So what can I do about it? Good question. Unless that job somehow turns on its head tomorrow, I can't even see a way that I can make my car payment next month. That's not even taking into account my car insurance or other bills. For that matter, I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to afford to restock the fridge. As such things are just going to become increasingly stressful until I have a stable job and at least a grand in the bank again. It's hard to enjoy much of anything when you're not sure if you can even eat next week, let alone afford to keep living. In two weeks I might end up missing a car payment. In four weeks I won't be able to pay rent. In six weeks I'll probably have starved to death. That's how bad things are right now.

For those of you who intend well: don't tell me things are going to get better unless you can actually offer a serious solution to one or more of my problems. I can't afford to get rid of my car because I need it to get to work. I can't afford to ditch my cell phone as I need a way for other employers to attempt contacting me. I can't avoid paying my car insurance but could hypothetically put it on my one credit card (with a $500 limit). I can't avoid eating for reasons that should be obvious, though I have been putting an increasing emphasis on groceries as opposed to eating out.

All of that said... help?

How do you love someone who's too busy to love you back?

I've only been trying for the better part of a year and a half to get Timanth to visit. First we had tried for spring break last year before he got tied up with family obligations. Then we settled on the Independence Day holiday; I ended up having to go out there after Timanth proved to be more concerned about what his mother would think of him coming over than anything else. Winter break was out due to family obligations again, but he quite explicitly said that come this spring break he would be free to finally come and visit. And if that were true, I probably wouldn't be so physically weakened by depression that even lifting my arms to the keyboard hurts.

We've spent at least the last six months discussing it and I've spent the last three trying to get him to finally pin down a date and time for plane tickets. Now, just ten days before his break starts, he's saying that he's going to be busy doing school work even during his break and that those obligations are such that he can't leave town for any meaningful length of time at all. He's said that I could come visit again and, hey, plane tickets are certainly cheap enough. But if he's so busy trying to make up a late final, deal with extracurricular activities, and handle various work in the lab, how would me being out there somehow magically solve all the time management problems? 

Yes, I know that he's an overachieving student. Yes, I know that if he pulls off even two-thirds of what he's trying to accomplish he could get himself a comfortable job with a $100,000 salary straight out of school. Yes, I know that it takes a lot of time to juggle several classes and lots of off-campus work; I've actually tried that one myself with far less success than he's managed. Despite all that, I just want a week of his time. A week in which he shouldn't be swamped with other obligations. A week where we actually - finally - get to do some of the things we've been discussing for so long. A week where Timanth doesn't have to worry about his stress at school and I can enjoy the company of somebody I care deeply about. Instead, once again I feel like I've been strung along for ages just so it'd hurt that much more when I finally find out that I can't actually get what I want.

As I'm currently unemployed there's really nothing stopping me from just going out there for two weeks or so. Hell, a better person would probably be thrilled by the prospect of getting away from here (and my own set of crap) for two weeks and at least getting some minimal amount of attention for a little while. But I'm not a good person. I can't focus on those positive things for very long. For one, the very principle of the fact I've been trying to have Timanth visit this long and that this isn't the first time he's said "I can't" at the last reasonable moment is going to continue to bother me until we somehow break that trend. For another, even if I go out there I "know" that he'll be busy most of the time and thus I'll barely get to enjoy his company. Maybe someone else would be able to take comfort in that little time here and there and perhaps the occasional day he would be free... I'm not someone else and, even though I know it's selfish, I don't see the point in going through all the trouble to visit just to spend a couple hours here and there and many more hours wondering what the hell I've done wrong with my life.

So why am I writing this as a blog post and not bringing this up with Timanth directly? Good question. For one, he's too busy to talk about it, just like so many other times he's been busy. Even if he does get a break later there's little hope he'll have long enough to let me talk about it at length like this. For another, I - we - could probably use the outside input from anyone who has actually bothered to read this rambling mess. And finally, it's probably in part because I completely lack the ability to do anything more than passively-aggressively complain about every single thing that I perceive as wrong without even being able to formulate a reasonable solution to the problem.

tl;dr: I'm a worthless attention whore and my boyfriend isn't giving me enough attention.

Exit strategy

For those who aren't following me on Twitter, allow me to summarize events from earlier this evening: Kali and I asked Kaiser to poke a guest who had promised to order pizza in exchange for his housing. He apparently told the guy he had time to play one more (30+ minute) game before coming down to discuss dinner. Kaiser then came down about 10-15 minutes later to ask why pizza hadn't been ordered yet. I called him out on it, and after a rather sudden and sharp escalation in exchange, he went into rather exacting detail about how he intended to assault me and that if I dared provoke him further he would be tried for manslaughter. So, I did the only thing I could do.

I left.

Over an hour later, after a few fragmented discussions with people via Twitter, I came inside, grabbed the dinner I'd cooked earlier, and went to my room. I'm still there, with a chair firmly lodged in front of the door to prevent anyone from entering. I have the TV on, mostly for sake of having noise to drown out anything else going on in the house and to have a distraction from the things going on. I don't want to be here. I don't know where I want to be, who I want to be with, nor how to make anything even remotely positive happen. It seems like the only thing recent weeks have proven is that everything I attempt to do just ends up making things worse and worse.

So I'm seriously considering turning the clock back about a year. I'm planning on calling my former employer back and asking to resume over-the-road truck driving. I want to get off the lease here, put things in storage once again, and basically disappear for weeks at a time. It seems almost painfully obvious that I'm not wanted here and that everywhere I go I just end up making things worse, so I may as well just go away entirely. I could just call them up, take whatever drug/aptitude tests are required for a rehire, and probably be back to work in a matter of days. Once out on the road, I would deliberately be hard to get a hold of. I want to get away from virtually everyone right now. Timanth is perhaps the only person I'd even attempt to retain regular contact with and, even then, I suspect that he would be happier not having to deal with the continual crap that has been going on in my life lately.

The only other thing I could consider doing is going on an extended, unorganized road trip. I've had a couple people offer to let me visit for a while so far. I don't know how long I could sustain that and, honestly, with the way things have gone with people I would inevitably feel like I'm just bringing other people down to my shattered mental state. I'm sure at least a few of you are going to insist that the preceding is not true, but I'm still going to feel that way, whether or not it's warranted, the moment anything goes even slightly wrong. That and there's really no telling how long such a thing could be sustained, assuming it's practical to do so in the first place; it probably isn't.

Though there might be other options, the above is really all I've been able to seriously consider so far. I have no marketable job skills other than my trucking experience; I have a two-year degree in general studies and no experience in any sort of professional work environment. I could try going back to school - maybe I could do accounting - but I would still need a substantial sum of money to support myself while going through with that and I don't think student loans are a viable option.

So, in short, I'm basically helpless to do anything to improve my life and disappearing for at least a few months seems like a really good idea right now. If there are any other ideas, I'd like to hear them. I would like to have a plan by Friday. 

Procrastination and job searching

A blog post? HOLY CRAP.

So as I posted on my other blog, thanks to some bullshit at work involving a made up customer complaint and a manager who refused to even consider that the bitch may have been lying, I was given the choice to either go over the road (and thus give up anything even vaguely resembling a social life) or to quit. I chose the latter and resigned effective January 7. The job hunt so far has been almost nonexistent. I put in a resume at one place, under the suggestion of one of my roommates; I finally received a rejection letter earlier this week. I don't even know where else to put my name in, honestly.

Perhaps the biggest problem is one that goes beyond merely not wanting to take the time to do applications. I don't see myself as having nearly any marketable job skills. Sure, I can type 80+ words per minute easily and have a pretty decent handle on multi-tasking, but I don't have any formal certifications in anything that isn't related to driving. Even then, the only good thing my previous job will likely say about me is that I'm eligible for rehire; I have no professional references, aside from claiming a friend who worked for the same company and whose path I almost never crossed as a co-worker. I don't really even know where to begin, as this is the first time I've seriously wanted to get something at least resembling a professional desk job.

I'm not in any massive hurry to get things done in part because I have a fair amount of savings I can draw down from. In reality I know I probably should be searching high and low for anything in this market, but... I just lack the motivation. If I managed to get forced out of a job when I was actually doing it right, why bother dealing with the work force at all? Because we're all "supposed to" do that crap? We're supposed to go to some place we don't want to be, earn just enough money to keep some minimal shelter and a few shiny things for amusement, then repeat until we're too old and get dumped into a hole somewhere? I unfortunately realize that the alternatives are all either incredibly improbable or illegal - such as winning the lottery or robbing a bank - but I still find the entire situation to be disgusting.

Despite all this, on Monday, I'm going to try my luck with a local temp agency and see if they can at least find something that's a match for my skills, whatever they may be. I'd like to think that I'll be ushered into something rather quickly, but considering how shitty the job market is right now, I may be stuck for a while.

Time to start posting again (or: This is MY blog)

I've had a few things come to mind that I'd wanted to write about but hadn't for various reasons. Not least among those reasons is a concern for how some of my posts might be perceived. This evening, I somehow remembered the advice I'd handed out on LiveJournal plenty of times: that this is my journal and if anyone has a problem with something I post here they're free to stop reading and/or find another webpage to amuse themselves with.

So expect this to become at least moderately active for the near future. Most of the posts will quite safely fall under a PG-13 rating or less and anything more explicit may be linked elsewhere out of at least some respect for people and a desire to conserve eye-bleach. For now I rest, as I have things to do tomorrow, but my goal is to put at least one post up before Sunday ends.

Possibly impending hard drive failure?

Can someone tell me if any of the below information is something to worry about?

ST9320320AS ATA Device
    Manufacturer    Seagate
    Form Factor    2.5"
    Cache Size    8MB
    Interface    Unknown Interface
    Capacity    312.57GB
    Real size    320,072,933,376 bytes
        S.M.A.R.T
            01 Read Error Rate    118 (087 worst) Data 000B33AF04
            03 Spin-Up Time    100 (099) Data 0000000000
            04 Start/Stop Count    100 (100) Data 000000028C
            05 Reallocated Sectors Count    100 (100) Data 0000000000
            07 Seek Error Rate    078 (060) Data 00044F25B9
            09 Power-On Hours (POH)    096 (096) Data 0000000F7D
            0A Spin Retry Count    100 (100) Data 0000000000
            0C Device Power Cycle Count    100 (100) Data 0000000242
            B8     100 (100) Data 0000000000
            BB     001 (001) Data 000000084F
            BC     100 (099) Data 0000000003
            BD High Fly Writes (WDC)    100 (100) Data 0000000000
            BE Temperature Difference from 100    060 (042) Data 0031280028
            BF G-sense error rate    100 (100) Data 000000006F
            C0 Power-off Retract Count    100 (100) Data 000000008E
            C1 Load/Unload Cycle Count    074 (074) Data 000000D01F
            C2 Temperature    040 (058) Data 0000000028
            C3 Hardware ECC Recovered    061 (044) Data 000B33AF04
            C5 Current Pending Sector Count    100 (100) Data 0000000000
            C6 Uncorrectable Sector Count    100 (100) Data 0000000000
            C7 UltraDMA CRC Error Count    200 (200) Data 0000000000
            Temperature    40 °C
            Temperature Range    ok (less than 50 °C)
            Status    Good

I am now the owner of a 2010 Hyundai Elantra

As my old car - the 1994 Nissan Maxima - was pretty much at the end of its lifecycle, I decided to do some new car shopping. After a couple days of research online, I figured I'd take the aforementioned Hyundai out for a test drive as it was easily the nicest vehicle in my price range (under $20k). After finding that it performed at least as well as my Nissan in every regard, I ultimately committed to buying it. Among other perks, it comes with a whopping 200,000 mile powertrain warranty, 60,000 mile bumper-to-bumper warranty, and absolutely everything works perfectly. There are plenty of safety features the Nissan lacked, too, most notably stability and traction control. The car is loaded with everything but leather seats, seat warmers, and a sun roof, all of which I can cheerfully do without. I had to put down a rather considerable down payment and have a pretty lousy interest rate, but the payments are still only $260 per month and I should be able to refinance early next year with a much better rate.

I took a few pictures of the car, inside and out, as I have already had several people request such things. If anyone can think of anything else they'd like to peer at, let me know and I can show that off as well. It'll be near the end of the month before I can get my permanent plate, but would a plate reading MINIDRKE be a little too far over the top? ;)

X-Site Laser Tag's managers are rude

The below text, in full, has been submitted to the Indianapolis Better Business Bureau.

This evening, I went out to play laser tag with a couple friends of mine. We've gone several weeks in a row now and, generally, have a wonderful time at the place. Tonight was a jarring exception. The first few games went well, but one player - a high-school aged male with blonde hair - became increasingly aggressive and problematic as the games went on. In our third game of the evening, both I and my friends asked him repeatedly to stop aiming for the eyes. While I realize that incidental shots are the nature of the game, this individual repeatedly shot at our faces when we were wide open for shots to the scoring targets on the body, then continued to fire at our eyes even after the pack had been disabled by a scored hit. After enduring this for nearly three full games - and suffering from increasingly blurred vision as a result - we complained to the staff.

Rather than addressing our concern by removing the offending player from the arena, the staff merely made an announcement that shots like that were discouraged and told us to continue playing. After the game, both I and my friends talked to both staff members present. I directly asked for the manager, explained the situation again, but she seemed thoroughly annoyed that I was even bringing the issue up again and acted incredibly rude. In addition to cutting me off mid-sentence, she said that if she didn't see the incident happen herself, she wasn't going to do anything about it regardless of how many players complained. She also said that even if she did see such an incident, as long as physical contact didn't occur, it wasn't against the rules. The manager seemed to have no interest in addressing our concerns despite complaints that our vision was being impaired by the repeated "accidental" shots. After we stated clearly that we had no interest in playing another game with the offending player; she seemed completely disinterested in our business and walked away.

I would like the following:

1. A formal, written apology from the staff members involved in this incident.

2. A statement regarding how the incident should have been handled.

3. A refund and/or store credit as compensation for not being able to play a fair game.

Roommate concerns in Indy

It's been far too long since my last post here, so allow me to provide some brief background information: I'm settled in to Greenwood, IN (just south of Indianapolis) and living with Delphi and two other roommates. They're tolerable, most of the time, but the infamous wonder twins certainly get on both Delphi's and my nerves from time to time. They rarely clean up after themselves and blame us for the mess, they have a cat that they'd never asked either of us for permission on and that technically violates the lease, they never lock the door when they leave or enter the apartment... I could go on, but ranting on the Internet isn't going to change any of those things. In short, though, they're far from ideal roommates but usually don't cause anything terrible to happen.

In the last month or so, Delphi introduced me to some of his friends up in Carmel (just north of Indy). We hit it off well, to say the least, and I've spent each of the last several weekends up there, hanging out for board games, food, and the like. The lease up there runs out in July (a month later than the one here) and they've suggested I move in with them. I've hesitated to take them up on the offer, in part because I still might be resuming my role as a truck driver and thus have little reason to pay rent on a place that I'd never be staying at. There are four of them sharing a three-bedroom townhouse; two are in one bedroom and one in each of the other two. Up until this morning I'd been idly batting the idea around, but hadn't really had much of a reason to push for that

Remember how I'd previously said that the wonder twins usually don't cause chaos? Well, it was caused this morning. I woke up around 11 AM to the sound of one roommate shouting at the other to let him in, followed by the sound of breaking glass. At first I thought it was someone's ex coming back to start something, but I found out within a minute or two that it was just the two of them being ... well, "wonderful." The one who wouldn't let the other in basically freaked out, refusing to do anything about the situation. The rental office was closed, apparently, so they haven't been informed of the situation. Delphi provided the number for the 24-hour maintenance line, but the offending roommate decided to not call them, instead wanting to get quotes from independent contractors for window replacement rather than get it taken care of as quickly as possible. So we have a half-broken window and no plan on getting it fixed. This adds yet another reason for the apartment complex to evict us, one that would be pretty obvious without them doing an inspection.

I've elaborated the situation to the furs in Carmel, and they made the offer more interesting: they'd move around such that two of them are in each of two bedrooms, leaving me the third bedroom to myself. The monthly cost would be about the same ($260) for the time being, though I already know that they're extremely unlikely to renew the lease and I'd have to move yet again by summer. This would be quite impractical, if not for a rather interesting job opening: a spot in operations in Indianapolis. That's right: I could hypothetically stay with Schneider and just transfer to an office job with a stable schedule, the same benefits, and the perk of not having to drive all over the place 25 days a month. I originally got into the job because I wanted to travel... I think that I've done enough of that for now and wouldn't mind switching to a different part of the business.

If I end up in an office job - with Schneider or otherwise - I'd have little reason not to move in somewhere on a more permanent basis. Delphi's planning on moving in with a friend of his when the lease runs out here at the end of June, so continuing to live with him isn't an option under any circumstances. The furs up in Carmel are going to disperse at the end of July, but the two that are sticking around have expressed interest in me staying with them; they'll just need to find a new place to live as the current one (at $1,300 a month including utilities, Internet, etc.) wouldn't be affordable for just three people. The sooner I decide what I'm going to do, the sooner I can work with them on trying to find a new place that is both convenient to everyone and reasonably priced. But that also requires that I commit to moving in with them and paying rent for the next twelve months, something that I can't justify doing unless I'm going to be staying local.

All of this stuff needs to happen in pretty short order. If the wonder twins do end up getting us evicted, we'll have as little as 72 hours to get everything moved out. I could probably get my stuff taken care of within 12 hours, if I have somewhere to go lined up; at worst I could temporarily get a room at an extended stay place while the details are ironed out. I don't have much faith in things remaining stable here through the end of June, so getting out earlier might be a good idea... but it requires that I have somewhere to go and reasonable confidence that I'll be staying there as opposed to going back on the road for several weeks at a time. I haven't prepared a resumé since a computing class in my first year of college and I don't think that I have much to put on one of those regardless. I haven't really looked at apartments in ages, so I wouldn't have a lot to go on there. I'm basically kinda left hanging here, with time steadily ticking away, and only a vague plan to fall back on if shit hits the fan.

So.... help?

Indianapolis, IN - STILL not working

Since the doctor only released me to resume work with restrictions, including a 20 pound lifting limit, occupational health cannot clear me to resume work. I'm now left with the choice of going to another doctor or complaining to the physician I've already seen and telling her that I need a referral to someone who can actually get things done. At this point I've been out of work for five weeks, still have shoulder issues, and don't think those issues are likely to get better on their own since they haven't already. About the only thing going for me is that my insurance remains in effect and occupational health pre-approved the maximum twelve weeks of medical leave, which leaves me until the middle of May to get this sorted out and still have a job. If I'm still screwed up after that, I don't know what happens next.