We've spent at least the last six months discussing it and I've spent the last three trying to get him to finally pin down a date and time for plane tickets. Now, just ten days before his break starts, he's saying that he's going to be busy doing school work even during his break and that those obligations are such that he can't leave town for any meaningful length of time at all. He's said that I could come visit again and, hey, plane tickets are certainly cheap enough. But if he's so busy trying to make up a late final, deal with extracurricular activities, and handle various work in the lab, how would me being out there somehow magically solve all the time management problems?
Yes, I know that he's an overachieving student. Yes, I know that if he pulls off even two-thirds of what he's trying to accomplish he could get himself a comfortable job with a $100,000 salary straight out of school. Yes, I know that it takes a lot of time to juggle several classes and lots of off-campus work; I've actually tried that one myself with far less success than he's managed. Despite all that, I just want a week of his time. A week in which he shouldn't be swamped with other obligations. A week where we actually - finally - get to do some of the things we've been discussing for so long. A week where Timanth doesn't have to worry about his stress at school and I can enjoy the company of somebody I care deeply about. Instead, once again I feel like I've been strung along for ages just so it'd hurt that much more when I finally find out that I can't actually get what I want.
As I'm currently unemployed there's really nothing stopping me from just going out there for two weeks or so. Hell, a better person would probably be thrilled by the prospect of getting away from here (and my own set of crap) for two weeks and at least getting some minimal amount of attention for a little while. But I'm not a good person. I can't focus on those positive things for very long. For one, the very principle of the fact I've been trying to have Timanth visit this long and that this isn't the first time he's said "I can't" at the last reasonable moment is going to continue to bother me until we somehow break that trend. For another, even if I go out there I "know" that he'll be busy most of the time and thus I'll barely get to enjoy his company. Maybe someone else would be able to take comfort in that little time here and there and perhaps the occasional day he would be free... I'm not someone else and, even though I know it's selfish, I don't see the point in going through all the trouble to visit just to spend a couple hours here and there and many more hours wondering what the hell I've done wrong with my life.
So why am I writing this as a blog post and not bringing this up with Timanth directly? Good question. For one, he's too busy to talk about it, just like so many other times he's been busy. Even if he does get a break later there's little hope he'll have long enough to let me talk about it at length like this. For another, I - we - could probably use the outside input from anyone who has actually bothered to read this rambling mess. And finally, it's probably in part because I completely lack the ability to do anything more than passively-aggressively complain about every single thing that I perceive as wrong without even being able to formulate a reasonable solution to the problem.
tl;dr: I'm a worthless attention whore and my boyfriend isn't giving me enough attention.
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