Actually, I don't have to respect anything

"You don't have to respect my beliefs, but you DO have to respect my morals, and I WILL fight you over them." A ha ha ha no.

Someone I know put the above quote up as their status message earlier tonight as a rather blatantly obvious passive aggressive swing at me. So, I'll return serve with another blog post, as directly talking to the individual in question has proven to be entirely pointless.

A bit of background: I'd already had a shitty day, between things at work and other frustrations online. This person offered to play a game with me, but only if I asked other friends I was already playing with not to join. He thinks they're too bad at the game to be worth playing with at all. In an effort to avoid hurting anyone's feelings, I instead told those people that I was going to be joining a full group and that it would be impossible for them to accompany me. This person then became absolutely incensed that I'd dare tell even the smallest of lies, even with the sole intention of being polite, and refused to do anything than argue from his moral high horse as if I am the absolute scum of the earth for saying anything other than "You suck, so I'd rather play with someone who can tell their ass from a hole in the ground."

So rather than actually getting to play an enjoyable round of something with someone I'd like to consider a friend (something that I seem to have to re-evaluate with distressing frequency), I instead got something halfway between a lecture and a sermon until I used his own severely flawed "logic" to justify signing off with the intention of not speaking to him again until at least this weekend. Apparently, to this person, being "right" is more important than actually being a decent person and not treating someone who's already upset like a soggy bag of shit. Never mind the fact that I could've just as easily called him out on his own broken promise to play a game with me over the weekend; apparently his lies are completely irrelevant.

In an absolute shocking twist, I must make a confession: I have morals of my own. Yes, even a godless hedonist fur-fag has a moral code. I think it's more important to ensure that someone's feelings aren't needlessly hurt than to be brutally honest at all times. I also think that it's hugely important to keep your word; if you tell someone you're going to do something you should do it unless extenuating circumstances make it impossible or completely and totally impractical to do so. My morals are somewhat malleable, but I feel that it's better to be flexible and pragmatic than to be rigid and unwilling to consider the circumstances around a situation. One size does not fit all.

In a direct comment to the person who has prompted this post, as I know you'll read this: Do yourself a favor and don't comment on it. I have absolutely no desire to hear your response; that's why I signed off in the first place. Take a moment to contemplate that, before you have any business demanding people respect your morals, you should attempt to respect theirs.

Where sexuality meets respect

An acquaintance and I were talking earlier this afternoon. I'd mentioned something I'd written that may have been partially relevant to his interests. While I knew he wasn't going to like every aspect of it - there was one kink in particular that I knew he would be disinterested in - I went ahead and shared anyway.

His immediate response? "Ew XD"

...

This is a very good example of the kind of reaction I fear I'll get any time I share something that isn't perfectly acceptable in every way by every person that might come across it. It has a lot to do with why I tend not to do nearly as much writing as I used to and, in part, why I seem to be far more active on Twitter than almost anywhere else: It's rather difficult to be controversial in 140 characters or less. Considering that the sort of things I like most are the sort of things I also basically don't have an audience for, why should I bother?

After his first post he did say it was decently written and detailed - though he refused to say anything more specific about details he liked - but never once did he apologize for his initial "lighthearted" reaction even after I said I found it highly offensive and insensitive. Instead, he went off on a rant and said he thought I expected him to be his "submissive little *****" (censorship his, but no points for guessing the meaning) when I simply expected a bit of common decency from someone who also has a kink that would absolutely disgust most people.

This is especially troubling given that the person in question has been pushing me hard to be more open with him, to trust him, and all manner of other things that he - frankly - hasn't earned. I'm not sure I can even respect him any more, let alone some of the other things he said he wanted and implied he expected. After I said that his reaction makes it extremely unlikely that I'll be sharing much of anything with him in the future, he took offense to that without acknowledging I just might have had a valid reason to be upset in the first place.

All I expect from people with regard to such things is a little bit of respect. There's a massive difference between going "ew" and saying "I'm not really into that, but thanks anyway." This holds doubly true for people who explicitly ask me to share more things with them, though that has been an incredibly rare occurrence for me in recent years and has led me to just be quiet about my personal stuff most of the time.

I honestly have no idea what to do about this particular incident, but I'm still extremely upset about it several hours later. I'm no longer physically shaking, as I was at the time, but I'm literally losing sleep over it. If this weren't still bugging me I'd probably have been in bed sleeping soundly an hour or two ago. Instead I'm writing this out to try get it off my mind. I doubt the offending individual will ever read this; part of me hopes he doesn't. I also have no intention of publicly naming and shaming him; my conscience wouldn't allow it. So I'm just posting this here and ... well, whatever happens, happens.

Another attempt at loosely defining my sex life.

I posted this on an adult website two nights ago and am reasonably certain nobody will ever read it there, so I'm reposting it here. Be warned that this is possibly too much information regarding my offline sexual interests. Reader discretion is advised.

Though I signed up here some time ago, I've only finally gotten around to browsing the site this evening. As such it seems appropriate that I write at least something here by means of introduction.

First, a tl;dr version, for those just browsing pages: I'd like to actually start doing some things offline that I've been doing via cybersex for years.

Now, for those wanting a more thorough explanation:

My interests started overwhelmingly in macro and furry. Yes, I was one of those people that enjoyed Godzilla a little too much, among too many other things to list here. So I started looking for porn, somehow ended up on a site that also agreed that Godzilla was sexy, and the rest has pretty much been history.

Most of my sexual experiences have been within the scope of the furry fandom. Given that furries tend to spend way too much time online (myself included), this has resulted in a considerable number of fantastic RP experiences. Many of them are things that are simply impossible in real life, such as trying to masturbate a 300-foot-long dragon, but some of them have also helped to define some the kinks that I've either enjoyed offline or things that I'd really like to try.

And this is the problem with trying to explore some of those interests: I have absolutely no idea where to begin. I've been to a gay club, once, and felt incredibly awkward as I don't know how to approach someone to express an interest. While I have had a few good experiences at furry conventions, mostly thanks to room parties arranged on a now-defunct Yahoo group, I haven't had much luck outside of that setting. Anyone I've had sex with that I didn't meet at a convention has been someone that was introduced as a friend of a friend. While that does help weed out most of the crazy, it also leads to things being a rather overly-tight circle(jerk) and doesn't give me much chance of finding someone who actually is into most of the things I'm into.

So what am I into? Good question, frankly. While I have a page on F-list, many of those things would be either foolish or impossible to do offline. At some point I'll probably transcribe most of that over here, but there's the link in the meantime. I list myself as "unsure" here because I'm not sure which category I'd fit into, or even if I'll fit into any one category at all. I certainly prefer being a bottom, though I can occasionally top for a good friend or for someone whose limits I'm already familiar with. I like the concept of being submissive or even a slave, but have serious reservations about getting into such things full time. Besides, I like the thought of telling people "Fuck me already" from time to time, which seems far too assertive for someone strictly submissive. Kinkster or fetishist may also fit, given the somewhat long list of kinks I'd be interested in trying, but there are also plenty of times that I'd just like to curl up with someone and simply give them a long, relatively vanilla blowjob.

It seems only fitting that this has turned into a long, rambling, jumbled narrative, as that seems to describe things quite well on its own. Sometimes I think too much about stuff, or go on for far longer than strictly necessary. And then sometimes my train of thought abruptly comes to an end, leaving me with no idea what to say or do next. This has suddenly become one of those times.

Guilty Pleasures... but mostly guilty

Cross-posted from Google+. RL sex-related stuff follows. Nothing blatantly explicit but reader discretion is advised.

I have had a bit of a realization when it comes to my sex life: I end up feeling guilty about enjoying myself in ways that might not be "approved of" by a wider audience. Perhaps, to generalize even further, I feel guilty when I'm happy. There have been a few times where I've declined something I would have enjoyed for absolutely no obvious reason, such as offers for RP by several people over the weekend or even just playful teasing by text message.

I rather wish I had a solution to that problem, as I'd like to be able to actually go enjoy sex without giving a damn what others might think if they knew what I enjoyed.


Edit: Perhaps I should elaborate further on this, as it's been bugging me enough that it deserves more than one paragraph. I've basically been told I "shouldn't" think of people mostly for sex. And despite my occasionally fickle and usually-stuck-in-high-gear sex drive, I actually do have interests in doing things other than simply getting laid in whatever form is appropriate with a given partner. That said, I seem to have no idea where the line falls in which it is appropriate to inquire regarding sexual activity, nor do I seem to be able to get my superego to shut up long enough to actually let me "take advantage" of an offer from a willing partner.


I don't even know how to best approach someone to say "You're kinky, I'm kinky, let's go." Asking something like that makes me feel incredibly awkward, usually to the point that I just freeze up and don't say anything at all. This might have something to do with the fact I've had some exceptionally flaky "friends" with benefits - both past and present - sch that I end up getting turned down the overwhelming majority of the time. A friend recommended an adult site to me which might possibly lead to some more pleasant encounters, but I haven't even gotten up the nerve to set up my profile a week after signing up.


It seems particularly frustrating because part of my mind knows that I'm quite capable at social interactions when they're aided by a computer. If I could be half as successful at socializing offline as I am online - or at least convincingly fake being that competent for a while - I have no doubt that I'd resolve a lot of issues, sexual and otherwise. The problem is that I seem to be at a loss as to how to overcome that first hurdle.

On Google+ and names

As posted to Google+ this morning


An open letter to Google, and specifically :

Hi, I'm Shira Frozenmoon. That's *not* my legal name but it is who I am.

Yep, that's right, I don't have a single government-issued shred of evidence to back up that statement. However, I've been using that name on the web since at least October 2004 (or was it 2003?), well before I even got an invite to Gmail in April 2005. It's who I identify as on every other site I've used within the last decade, including Twitter, Steam, and countless other sites. I've even had mail addressed to Shira when friends have sent Christmas cards or gifts. Of the 159 people who currently have me in their circles, fewer than ten would recognize my legal name.

Looking at Google Dashboard, you already have - through various services - more than six years of e-mail (27000+ messages), 16001 recorded web searches, 947 photos, and 347 voicemails. More importantly, you have my full legal name, my present and previous addresses, my birthday, my phone number, four credit cards, my job history, a GPS-accurate history of everywhere I've been for the last two years, and (for tax reasons with AdSense) my social security number. That's more information than any other institution has, including my bank and my employer. Why? Because, until now, I trusted Google's "don't be evil" policy.

In exchange for this mountain of data, I've simply asked for Google to keep it private. I honestly don't care if it's processed by various algorithms to customize my experience on Google sites, such as by ranking news stories, search results, or providing more interesting advertisements. I do, however, care to keep that information from being shown to the public. Your own help pages advise parents to tell their children to never use real names online. Why do you expect adults to ignore that very sage advice? I don't want the things I get up to on the Internet with friends to be easily and readily linked to my professional life. I want to freely be able to discuss things, including work and my sex life, that would not necessarily be things I want permanently linked to my name.

The name policy has me fuming because, up until Google+ launched, it was implicit that I could use whatever name I wanted without it ever being questioned. Even now, I would fully support a name policy that prohibits people from using offensive nonsense or impersonating others. However, that's as far as any such policy should go. Google - nor anyone - should dictate what people can and cannot be known by. Even now, I can still use the name Shira Frozenmoon within other sites without it becoming an issue. I could use that name to sign up for another e-mail service, another blog, or pretty much anything less significant than signing an apartment lease. So if it's not an issue there, why is it an issue here?
At one point I had nearly seventy active users in my circles, possibly as many as 80. I've forgotten, but just 45 of those accounts remain as of right now. *As a result of the name policy - and that policy alone - you have removed at least a third of my friends from a service that I'd like to use with them.* You have told a third of the people I know personally that they would have to sacrifice their privacy _and_ the names they're commonly known by if they wanted to continue using Google+. What's the point of remaining on a social networking site where nobody knows your name? Quite simply, there isn't one.

Of those users who have been removed, none will even consider publicly displaying their legal names. Of those who are still here, I know several who are considering deleting their accounts before they get suspended just to make a statement about who they are. I also know several people who have decided not to sign up for Google+ because of concerns that they won't have an account for long before their names, too, get them banned from the service.

So why, in light of all this, am I making a public post to say that I, too, am willfully ignoring the name policy? Because the policy is, quite simply, somewhere between absurd and unconscionable. It actually prevents me from feeling safe using the name I'm most commonly known by. It diminishes the value of your service by making it harder to find people by the name I know them. It infringes upon the basic human right to have anonymous (or pseudonymous) communication. Notably, it has nothing to do with advertising; you already have an enormous collection of data that could be shared with advertisers in a private way. There is no compelling argument to force people to use their legal names just to communicate with their friends on the Internet.

The name policy needs to change, and it needs to change quickly. This is not a fight Google should even be trying to win. Please, don't be evil.

Sincerely,

(Not) Shira Frozenmoon

Live Blog from Unemployment Hearing

I've replaced my former boss's name with his first initial.

1:55 PM - Hearing begins. Judge confirmed my info and the company's info. They provided a PO Box in St. Louis. They also will be providing a witness: P.

1:57 PM - P will be the only person testifying for Schneider. Other person on line only served the call.

1:59 PM - Judge explained rules and right to appeal.

2:00 PM - Judge opens case, explains what is being discussed. Enters information to record for hearing purposes.

2:01 PM - Gave oath. Began testimony.

2:18 PM - Completed testiomony. Other side began.

2:21 PM - P claims I had four customer complaints and four service failures.

2:21 PM - P admitted to downsizing account.

2:22 PM - P claims to have offered me an OTR position. He did not.

2:22 PM - P claims I filed Fair & Equitable on Jan 2 and quit on Jan 9 despite work being available. [Reality: Both happened on January 7]

2:23 PM - P testimony ended.

2:24 PM - Late on 6/25, 7/2, 12/16, and...? 12/28 for customer compaint? Contradiction in testimoy

2:28 PM - Call disconnected?

2:29 PM - Call reconnected, but employer no longer on line. Judge will attempt reconnecting everyone.

2:33 PM - Judge still unable to reconnect with Schneider.

2:39 PM - Judge called back to try reconnect one more time. Connection successful.

2:42 PM - P says I was offered an OTR position and refused it.

2:43 PM - I object, stating such a thing was never offered nor investigated.

2:45 PM - Hearing adjourned. Written decision will be mailed within two weeks.

Everything Sucks

Yeah, I know, first world problems and all that. But right now, things just kind of suck. I had a lousy weekend for several reasons, have gotten stuck in a horrendous "job" situation, and cannot seem to find any redeeming quality in things right now.

I'm not going to elaborate excessively on the weekend as I don't want to offend most of the people involved. Suffice to say that there was a very, very wide gap between things that I thought were going to happen and things that actually did happen. Lunch plans for Saturday turned into plans for Sunday. People were very difficult to get a hold of and even more difficult to get to commit to plans. Even when things did end up happening it wasn't even close to what I'd hoped for, turning into the sort of disappointment that makes me wonder why I'd tried in the first place. At least if I stayed home I'd have saved on gas money.

Then there's this "job" thing. For those of you who tried to tell me it was a scam, please save your "I told you so comments" as they're not constructive. Several of the things I'd been told about it have proven to be entirely false. We were told that appointments would be made for us; I ended up having to knock on every door on the block several times. We were told that if we met certain criteria we'd be guaranteed a minimum amount of money; my experience today strongly suggests that those numbers are not attainable unless the stars align. I've also confirmed my suspicion that the average person is a lying bastard, something that fits entirely well with my misanthropic view of the world. While I did take a phone interview for a driving position, I'm lacking one of the required qualifications and am pessimistic about my odds even of hearing back.

So what can I do about it? Good question. Unless that job somehow turns on its head tomorrow, I can't even see a way that I can make my car payment next month. That's not even taking into account my car insurance or other bills. For that matter, I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to afford to restock the fridge. As such things are just going to become increasingly stressful until I have a stable job and at least a grand in the bank again. It's hard to enjoy much of anything when you're not sure if you can even eat next week, let alone afford to keep living. In two weeks I might end up missing a car payment. In four weeks I won't be able to pay rent. In six weeks I'll probably have starved to death. That's how bad things are right now.

For those of you who intend well: don't tell me things are going to get better unless you can actually offer a serious solution to one or more of my problems. I can't afford to get rid of my car because I need it to get to work. I can't afford to ditch my cell phone as I need a way for other employers to attempt contacting me. I can't avoid paying my car insurance but could hypothetically put it on my one credit card (with a $500 limit). I can't avoid eating for reasons that should be obvious, though I have been putting an increasing emphasis on groceries as opposed to eating out.

All of that said... help?