Convention Trepidation

I've been talking with a few people on Twitter about why I have serious concerns about attending a large furry convention again. To explain, allow me to summarize my experiences at cons with at least a thousand attendees.

Anthrocon 2006 was possibly the least enjoyable vacation I've ever had. In addition to severe problems with the staff and security, it was literally impossible to get a hold of anyone to arrange anything. I did bump into one or two people by chance but I ended up being unable to even find folks to go out to get a bite to eat with most of the time, let alone actually spend some time hanging out. One of the only fond memories I had there was spending an hour or so chatting with Kharnak and some of the social stuff that happened after the con was over in the public spaces of the hotel.

Furry Weekend Atlanta 2009 was problematic because the con was growing faster than the staff could keep up with. I could tell they were trying - I certainly give them the benefit of the doubt on that - but attempting to be social once again proved all but impossible. Nobody would answer messages I sent asking if people wanted to get food or hang out; I can only recall one meal during that entire four-day weekend where I got to sit down and actually talk with other people. I placed third at the poker tournament and won a free attending membership to 2010 which I ended up not using.

Further Confusion 2010 was the last huge con I attended. The staff was extremely friendly, I'll give them that, but they also seemed rather inept; even basic questions about events were hard to find answers to. I went as and regretted being a supersponsor; the special meal was a joke and the other perks were basically nonexistent. Every panel I wanted to attend ended up not running at all or was full beyond capacity and I was not allowed into the room. Several people I wanted to see once again made themselves impossible to get hold of, despite the fact I now was actively keeping up with Twitter and attempting to contact anyone I could. One group of "friends" even flat out told me that yes, they were all hanging out together and no, I was not welcome to join them. A room party I arranged resulted in a lot awkwardness after I was kinda pushed off to the side early on and one of those aforementioned "friends" became the center of attention; I also had a bit of explaining to do to hotel staff about the mess that people left behind.

In the case of all the above conventions, of the people who said they wanted to do things during the weekend - such as getting dinner, playing a game, hanging out in a room, etc. - I'd say at least 90% of them made it impossible to even get hold of them to try arrange something or told me flat-out that I was not welcome to join them after all. One of those people apologized; the rest I've simply not spoken to since.

There's one exception, of course, as is the case with mots ru, it's the reason I don't know if I want to go to next weekend's con or not.

Midwest Furfest 2008 is the only larger con I actually don't have overwhelmingly negative memories of. I had a roommate that actually took me out to dinner with them. I was able to find things to do most of the time. There were certainly moments of extreme frustration, though, such as the fact everyone I knew there was already "busy" at a room party by about 9 PM every night during the con, which left me nothing to do and nobody to do it with. I ended up just going to bed early and, in turn, was one of the first people up each morning; on the upside, I at least found people to enjoy breakfast with each day. I actually got recognized by some people that I was genuinely shocked to be recognized by. If nothing else, it didn't leave me with such an overwhelmingly negative opinion that I never want to go back, which is a lot more than I can say about AC, FWA, or FC.

So now here I am, trying to figure out if I want to go or not. I'd previously written off any chance of attending due to work, but through a bizarre coincidence I actually have Friday through Sunday off and fiscal prudence has ensured I've enough cash on hand that I could go if I really wanted to. But do I want to? Several people on Twitter have said they'd like to hang out, to get food, and so on if I attend... but I've heard all those promises before from a lot of people that ended up not following through. I have a much larger pool of people to try get hold of this time, thanks largely to Twitter (how the fuck am I up to 400 followers?), and the fact I've successfully organized some small furmeets here is encouraging. At the same time, I still have that fear that most people, given the choice between hanging out with me and hanging out with almost any other random furry, will go with that someone else instead. And yes, I am aware that it ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy if I don't at least put forth the effort to try, but at the same time I've tried before with extremely limited success.

A few upsides to MFF, if I did go: I haven't heard through the grapevine that any of the people I'd basically have to avoid are going, so it's somewhat less likely I'll end up in awkward situations brought on by past drama. It's within driving distance (four hours doesn't bother me) so I'd have my car available if I feel the need to leave earlier or just get away from the con for a little while. If things go well, they certainly have a chance to go very, very well.

The biggest problems? Getting over the social anxieties I've elaborated above and the logistical issues of actually finding a decent room on less than a week's notice.

So what now? I post this and see if anyone actually reads and comments upon this massive wall of text.

Doing things for others and seeking reciprocation

So, generally speaking, I like doing things for people. Whether it's giving people a ride to an event, taking them out for dinner, being the one to drive a long distance to hang out with someone else, or just letting them hang out for a while at a place where they won't be bothered by their roommates/family. At the same time, I'm getting really frustrated by a long-running trend of people who are capable of actually returning the favor making zero attempt at doing so. I try not to be unreasonable in expectations but when I spend hours putting effort into making things happen and then don't even get a response when I'm poking them the next day it's extremely discouraging and depressing.

I'm really not sure what to do about this, either. I don't want to be that asshole who starts saying "What's in it for me?" every time someone asks for a favor. I don't want to completely ignore the needs of others; it's simply not in my nature to refuse to help out an acquaintance when I'm capable of doing so. At the same time, why can't the people I'm doing things for/with even acknowledge my efforts with some token of their appreciation? If there were a good answer of that I wouldn't have felt on the verge of tears for most of the night.

Possibly related to this: Why do so many people I have an issue with end up making it impossible to actually talk to them about it? I end up ignored or explicitly blocked by a rather frustratingly large proportion of people when I say "we need to talk" or something to that effect.

On what may be my last furcon

So, IndyFurCon is this weekend. I ended up going Saturday, getting a one-day pass. Overall, I simply ended up reminded of every reason that being social in the fandom is impossible unless you're already reasonably popular.

I picked up a friend last night and took him with me to the convention; we arrived around 12:30. That was just in time for the fursuit parade, of which I took a couple dozen photos. From there, it was on to the Artists' Alley and Dealers' Den, where I commissioned a couple of things. And then... pretty much nothing. I bumped into a couple people along the way and we chatted briefly, but the time between the parade and dinner was generally so uneventful that I could probably be convinced those four hours didn't actually exist.

Dinner was the one highlight of the day. We had a total of seventeen furs at a local burger place; four of them actually finished the one-pound burger that is the establishment's signature menu item. Conversations were had; contact information was exchanged. Eventually, though, the food was done and everyone made their way back to the hotel.

That's pretty much where the night fell apart. Everyone scattered quickly after we returned. This also included the friend that came with me; he left with a strong implication of doing adult things with someone else at the con. Of the half dozen or so people I'd exchanged information with during dinner, just one bothered sending me a text afterwards and he was clearly too drunk to be of any interest. I briefly got involved in a card game, but that wound down maybe half an hour after I joined in. By then, the dance was in full swing and anyone who was going to attend a room party had already disappeared for the night. I tried unsuccessfully to get other people to join in a game, but to no avail.

While wandering con space, someone bumped into me that I'd rather not have seen. The conversation was rather terse; I told him very directly that I was not going to forgive him for things he'd done to me in the past because he'd shown no intention of apologizing. He kept talking; I offered to take him back to my place out of little more than desperation; when he declined I stopped paying much attention to anything he said. During all this, the friend who I'd given a ride to told me that he wasn't going to be coming home with me after all... this at 11 PM, at which point it was already far too late for me to even attempt finding a room there.

Once he left, I was pulled into a conversation with two other friends who'd been too busy to even give me the time of day prior to that; ultimately I got invited back to their room. Things happened but I get the impression that it was out of pity more than genuine interest, especially as I was shooed out of the room rather abruptly when it became feasible for me to be asked to leave. It was late, sure, but it still came across as one of those people would've rather liked to see me leave an hour earlier than I did.

So, as a result of all this? Everyone else I even slightly care about at the convention is curled up with someone else at the hotel tonight, if not doing considerably more than just snuggling, while I had a half hour drive home. I get to curl up, alone, with nothing more than shattered hopes and empty promises for company. While it was certainly nice to meet a couple of people in the afternoon, it's not worth spending several hours in the evening getting increasingly despondent from being collectively ignored by everyone I'd had even the slightest hope of spending some time with.

I seriously doubt I'm going to be trying to attend a convention again in the future, of any size. If someone explicitly invites me to share a room with them and buys my badge, I might consider it, but even then I'd have to think about it before subjecting myself to little more than an expensive form of social rejection. In the meantime, I'm going to take what amounts to little more than an extended nap in the vain hope of finding someone interested in getting breakfast early tomorrow morning.

Just another rant about nonsense

Today has been one crappy thing after another.

• Started off in a decent mood, which was quickly screwed shortly after arriving at work. I got there with plenty of time to spare, then the late-night office lackey wasted fifteen minutes messing around with my paperwork even after both I and the terminal manager have repeatedly told him that he just needs to hand paperwork to drivers so we can go.
• I get into the truck I had yesterday and discovered that they actually fixed something I wrote up. Unfortunately, I also wrote up the malfunctioning air conditioning and they didn't seem to bother repairing that. It was tolerable until the sun came up, but after that, forget it.
• Despite the delays at the terminal this morning, I made up a surprising amount of time on the road and arrived at my first stop on time, only to find that I was at the end of a long line of trucks at the guard shack. This meant, according to their time stamp by the time I finally got into the facility, I was ten minutes late. Whatever.
• Upon returning after my first run, I was told my second trip had been canceled for some reason. I found this particularly strange, as the trailer for my load had just arrived with the parts for delivery. After almost twenty minutes of moving equipment around and failed attempts to call HQ to confirm this, one of the terminal staff looked it up themselves and - oops - it turns out my trip wasn't canceled. That's another big chunk of time completely wasted due to incompetence.
• On my way to my second trip, the air conditioning crapped out completely; it was more effective to simply leave the windows partially down. This, however, led to my phone overheating and quickly losing charge. By the time I'd arrived at my second stop, it was hot to the touch.
• After my second stop, I got into the truck again and started rolling. My phone crapped out shortly thereafter and the lousy radio antenna couldn't pick up anything. For a good 50 miles, I had nothing to listen to except grumbling to myself.
• I decided to fuel at the earlier of two truck stops available to us this week. From the Interstate, it looked like there were a couple of fuel lanes open... once I got down there, somehow they'd completely filled up and two more trucks were in line before me. Once I got to the fuel island, I found that the pay-at-the-pump system was broken, requiring me to go inside before I could even start filling the truck up.
• After I finished fueling, I got onto the highway again... and ended up JUST behind an oversized load that was causing significant backups. Both lanes were filled with tailgating vehicles doing 15-20 mph under the speed limit. The mess didn't clear up for almost ten miles, as there was a work zone immediately past where that rig exited.
• When I got back to Indianapolis, the terminal manager claims he was asking all drivers to give their keys back. At everywhere else I've ever worked, turning your keys in equates very directly to being fired. I told him as much; he said to turn the keys in anyway and repeated his thinly-veiled excuse. If I don't have a job or a key tomorrow morning it's going to be quite a conscious act of will to not set fire to the place.
• Once home, I found that UPS had attempted to deliver a package that I'd been eagerly waiting for all day. Their website never said it was out for delivery; if I had any idea when it might arrive I'd have asked someone else to sign for it. I called UPS and got told the local terminal would call me back "within an hour" to arrange for me to pick it up there. So, instead of getting a shower and trying to feel slightly better, I was left waiting for a phone call. Note that my cell phone is still screwed up from earlier, so, obviously, it never rang. They left me a message helpfully telling me that I could pick it up between 6 and 8. That might be nice if I didn't have an appointment with my hair stylist at 6, which I'm now going to be late for thanks to waiting on that phone call.

So, as a result of all this, I'm hot, sweaty, have a potentially broken cell phone, may or may not be able to pick up an order from Amazon that I'd been eagerly waiting for, will be late for the appointment to get my hair done, probably won't get dinner in a timely manner this evening, and definitely won't be getting anywhere near eight hours of sleep by the time everything is done. Now to go deal with rush hour traffic as I try to make it through one of the most congested parts of Indianapolis.

Actually, I don't have to respect anything

"You don't have to respect my beliefs, but you DO have to respect my morals, and I WILL fight you over them." A ha ha ha no.

Someone I know put the above quote up as their status message earlier tonight as a rather blatantly obvious passive aggressive swing at me. So, I'll return serve with another blog post, as directly talking to the individual in question has proven to be entirely pointless.

A bit of background: I'd already had a shitty day, between things at work and other frustrations online. This person offered to play a game with me, but only if I asked other friends I was already playing with not to join. He thinks they're too bad at the game to be worth playing with at all. In an effort to avoid hurting anyone's feelings, I instead told those people that I was going to be joining a full group and that it would be impossible for them to accompany me. This person then became absolutely incensed that I'd dare tell even the smallest of lies, even with the sole intention of being polite, and refused to do anything than argue from his moral high horse as if I am the absolute scum of the earth for saying anything other than "You suck, so I'd rather play with someone who can tell their ass from a hole in the ground."

So rather than actually getting to play an enjoyable round of something with someone I'd like to consider a friend (something that I seem to have to re-evaluate with distressing frequency), I instead got something halfway between a lecture and a sermon until I used his own severely flawed "logic" to justify signing off with the intention of not speaking to him again until at least this weekend. Apparently, to this person, being "right" is more important than actually being a decent person and not treating someone who's already upset like a soggy bag of shit. Never mind the fact that I could've just as easily called him out on his own broken promise to play a game with me over the weekend; apparently his lies are completely irrelevant.

In an absolute shocking twist, I must make a confession: I have morals of my own. Yes, even a godless hedonist fur-fag has a moral code. I think it's more important to ensure that someone's feelings aren't needlessly hurt than to be brutally honest at all times. I also think that it's hugely important to keep your word; if you tell someone you're going to do something you should do it unless extenuating circumstances make it impossible or completely and totally impractical to do so. My morals are somewhat malleable, but I feel that it's better to be flexible and pragmatic than to be rigid and unwilling to consider the circumstances around a situation. One size does not fit all.

In a direct comment to the person who has prompted this post, as I know you'll read this: Do yourself a favor and don't comment on it. I have absolutely no desire to hear your response; that's why I signed off in the first place. Take a moment to contemplate that, before you have any business demanding people respect your morals, you should attempt to respect theirs.

Where sexuality meets respect

An acquaintance and I were talking earlier this afternoon. I'd mentioned something I'd written that may have been partially relevant to his interests. While I knew he wasn't going to like every aspect of it - there was one kink in particular that I knew he would be disinterested in - I went ahead and shared anyway.

His immediate response? "Ew XD"

...

This is a very good example of the kind of reaction I fear I'll get any time I share something that isn't perfectly acceptable in every way by every person that might come across it. It has a lot to do with why I tend not to do nearly as much writing as I used to and, in part, why I seem to be far more active on Twitter than almost anywhere else: It's rather difficult to be controversial in 140 characters or less. Considering that the sort of things I like most are the sort of things I also basically don't have an audience for, why should I bother?

After his first post he did say it was decently written and detailed - though he refused to say anything more specific about details he liked - but never once did he apologize for his initial "lighthearted" reaction even after I said I found it highly offensive and insensitive. Instead, he went off on a rant and said he thought I expected him to be his "submissive little *****" (censorship his, but no points for guessing the meaning) when I simply expected a bit of common decency from someone who also has a kink that would absolutely disgust most people.

This is especially troubling given that the person in question has been pushing me hard to be more open with him, to trust him, and all manner of other things that he - frankly - hasn't earned. I'm not sure I can even respect him any more, let alone some of the other things he said he wanted and implied he expected. After I said that his reaction makes it extremely unlikely that I'll be sharing much of anything with him in the future, he took offense to that without acknowledging I just might have had a valid reason to be upset in the first place.

All I expect from people with regard to such things is a little bit of respect. There's a massive difference between going "ew" and saying "I'm not really into that, but thanks anyway." This holds doubly true for people who explicitly ask me to share more things with them, though that has been an incredibly rare occurrence for me in recent years and has led me to just be quiet about my personal stuff most of the time.

I honestly have no idea what to do about this particular incident, but I'm still extremely upset about it several hours later. I'm no longer physically shaking, as I was at the time, but I'm literally losing sleep over it. If this weren't still bugging me I'd probably have been in bed sleeping soundly an hour or two ago. Instead I'm writing this out to try get it off my mind. I doubt the offending individual will ever read this; part of me hopes he doesn't. I also have no intention of publicly naming and shaming him; my conscience wouldn't allow it. So I'm just posting this here and ... well, whatever happens, happens.

Another attempt at loosely defining my sex life.

I posted this on an adult website two nights ago and am reasonably certain nobody will ever read it there, so I'm reposting it here. Be warned that this is possibly too much information regarding my offline sexual interests. Reader discretion is advised.

Though I signed up here some time ago, I've only finally gotten around to browsing the site this evening. As such it seems appropriate that I write at least something here by means of introduction.

First, a tl;dr version, for those just browsing pages: I'd like to actually start doing some things offline that I've been doing via cybersex for years.

Now, for those wanting a more thorough explanation:

My interests started overwhelmingly in macro and furry. Yes, I was one of those people that enjoyed Godzilla a little too much, among too many other things to list here. So I started looking for porn, somehow ended up on a site that also agreed that Godzilla was sexy, and the rest has pretty much been history.

Most of my sexual experiences have been within the scope of the furry fandom. Given that furries tend to spend way too much time online (myself included), this has resulted in a considerable number of fantastic RP experiences. Many of them are things that are simply impossible in real life, such as trying to masturbate a 300-foot-long dragon, but some of them have also helped to define some the kinks that I've either enjoyed offline or things that I'd really like to try.

And this is the problem with trying to explore some of those interests: I have absolutely no idea where to begin. I've been to a gay club, once, and felt incredibly awkward as I don't know how to approach someone to express an interest. While I have had a few good experiences at furry conventions, mostly thanks to room parties arranged on a now-defunct Yahoo group, I haven't had much luck outside of that setting. Anyone I've had sex with that I didn't meet at a convention has been someone that was introduced as a friend of a friend. While that does help weed out most of the crazy, it also leads to things being a rather overly-tight circle(jerk) and doesn't give me much chance of finding someone who actually is into most of the things I'm into.

So what am I into? Good question, frankly. While I have a page on F-list, many of those things would be either foolish or impossible to do offline. At some point I'll probably transcribe most of that over here, but there's the link in the meantime. I list myself as "unsure" here because I'm not sure which category I'd fit into, or even if I'll fit into any one category at all. I certainly prefer being a bottom, though I can occasionally top for a good friend or for someone whose limits I'm already familiar with. I like the concept of being submissive or even a slave, but have serious reservations about getting into such things full time. Besides, I like the thought of telling people "Fuck me already" from time to time, which seems far too assertive for someone strictly submissive. Kinkster or fetishist may also fit, given the somewhat long list of kinks I'd be interested in trying, but there are also plenty of times that I'd just like to curl up with someone and simply give them a long, relatively vanilla blowjob.

It seems only fitting that this has turned into a long, rambling, jumbled narrative, as that seems to describe things quite well on its own. Sometimes I think too much about stuff, or go on for far longer than strictly necessary. And then sometimes my train of thought abruptly comes to an end, leaving me with no idea what to say or do next. This has suddenly become one of those times.