How do you love someone who's too busy to love you back?

I've only been trying for the better part of a year and a half to get Timanth to visit. First we had tried for spring break last year before he got tied up with family obligations. Then we settled on the Independence Day holiday; I ended up having to go out there after Timanth proved to be more concerned about what his mother would think of him coming over than anything else. Winter break was out due to family obligations again, but he quite explicitly said that come this spring break he would be free to finally come and visit. And if that were true, I probably wouldn't be so physically weakened by depression that even lifting my arms to the keyboard hurts.

We've spent at least the last six months discussing it and I've spent the last three trying to get him to finally pin down a date and time for plane tickets. Now, just ten days before his break starts, he's saying that he's going to be busy doing school work even during his break and that those obligations are such that he can't leave town for any meaningful length of time at all. He's said that I could come visit again and, hey, plane tickets are certainly cheap enough. But if he's so busy trying to make up a late final, deal with extracurricular activities, and handle various work in the lab, how would me being out there somehow magically solve all the time management problems? 

Yes, I know that he's an overachieving student. Yes, I know that if he pulls off even two-thirds of what he's trying to accomplish he could get himself a comfortable job with a $100,000 salary straight out of school. Yes, I know that it takes a lot of time to juggle several classes and lots of off-campus work; I've actually tried that one myself with far less success than he's managed. Despite all that, I just want a week of his time. A week in which he shouldn't be swamped with other obligations. A week where we actually - finally - get to do some of the things we've been discussing for so long. A week where Timanth doesn't have to worry about his stress at school and I can enjoy the company of somebody I care deeply about. Instead, once again I feel like I've been strung along for ages just so it'd hurt that much more when I finally find out that I can't actually get what I want.

As I'm currently unemployed there's really nothing stopping me from just going out there for two weeks or so. Hell, a better person would probably be thrilled by the prospect of getting away from here (and my own set of crap) for two weeks and at least getting some minimal amount of attention for a little while. But I'm not a good person. I can't focus on those positive things for very long. For one, the very principle of the fact I've been trying to have Timanth visit this long and that this isn't the first time he's said "I can't" at the last reasonable moment is going to continue to bother me until we somehow break that trend. For another, even if I go out there I "know" that he'll be busy most of the time and thus I'll barely get to enjoy his company. Maybe someone else would be able to take comfort in that little time here and there and perhaps the occasional day he would be free... I'm not someone else and, even though I know it's selfish, I don't see the point in going through all the trouble to visit just to spend a couple hours here and there and many more hours wondering what the hell I've done wrong with my life.

So why am I writing this as a blog post and not bringing this up with Timanth directly? Good question. For one, he's too busy to talk about it, just like so many other times he's been busy. Even if he does get a break later there's little hope he'll have long enough to let me talk about it at length like this. For another, I - we - could probably use the outside input from anyone who has actually bothered to read this rambling mess. And finally, it's probably in part because I completely lack the ability to do anything more than passively-aggressively complain about every single thing that I perceive as wrong without even being able to formulate a reasonable solution to the problem.

tl;dr: I'm a worthless attention whore and my boyfriend isn't giving me enough attention.

Exit strategy

For those who aren't following me on Twitter, allow me to summarize events from earlier this evening: Kali and I asked Kaiser to poke a guest who had promised to order pizza in exchange for his housing. He apparently told the guy he had time to play one more (30+ minute) game before coming down to discuss dinner. Kaiser then came down about 10-15 minutes later to ask why pizza hadn't been ordered yet. I called him out on it, and after a rather sudden and sharp escalation in exchange, he went into rather exacting detail about how he intended to assault me and that if I dared provoke him further he would be tried for manslaughter. So, I did the only thing I could do.

I left.

Over an hour later, after a few fragmented discussions with people via Twitter, I came inside, grabbed the dinner I'd cooked earlier, and went to my room. I'm still there, with a chair firmly lodged in front of the door to prevent anyone from entering. I have the TV on, mostly for sake of having noise to drown out anything else going on in the house and to have a distraction from the things going on. I don't want to be here. I don't know where I want to be, who I want to be with, nor how to make anything even remotely positive happen. It seems like the only thing recent weeks have proven is that everything I attempt to do just ends up making things worse and worse.

So I'm seriously considering turning the clock back about a year. I'm planning on calling my former employer back and asking to resume over-the-road truck driving. I want to get off the lease here, put things in storage once again, and basically disappear for weeks at a time. It seems almost painfully obvious that I'm not wanted here and that everywhere I go I just end up making things worse, so I may as well just go away entirely. I could just call them up, take whatever drug/aptitude tests are required for a rehire, and probably be back to work in a matter of days. Once out on the road, I would deliberately be hard to get a hold of. I want to get away from virtually everyone right now. Timanth is perhaps the only person I'd even attempt to retain regular contact with and, even then, I suspect that he would be happier not having to deal with the continual crap that has been going on in my life lately.

The only other thing I could consider doing is going on an extended, unorganized road trip. I've had a couple people offer to let me visit for a while so far. I don't know how long I could sustain that and, honestly, with the way things have gone with people I would inevitably feel like I'm just bringing other people down to my shattered mental state. I'm sure at least a few of you are going to insist that the preceding is not true, but I'm still going to feel that way, whether or not it's warranted, the moment anything goes even slightly wrong. That and there's really no telling how long such a thing could be sustained, assuming it's practical to do so in the first place; it probably isn't.

Though there might be other options, the above is really all I've been able to seriously consider so far. I have no marketable job skills other than my trucking experience; I have a two-year degree in general studies and no experience in any sort of professional work environment. I could try going back to school - maybe I could do accounting - but I would still need a substantial sum of money to support myself while going through with that and I don't think student loans are a viable option.

So, in short, I'm basically helpless to do anything to improve my life and disappearing for at least a few months seems like a really good idea right now. If there are any other ideas, I'd like to hear them. I would like to have a plan by Friday.