The subject really just says it all here. It seems like every time I get a day off, or even during the week or so I had off at home, I end up spending most of my time completely miserable. Both today and last weekend, my entire time off was spent sitting at the computer, wishing I had something to do and, ideally, someone to do it with. I'm completely uninspired when it comes to try writing things. I'm really not even enjoying looking at porn, something that I usually can at least use to get my mind off things for a little while. And during the time I'm working, it seems like I'm completely isolated, as I don't end up having time to do anything for myself at all, which just makes me even more depressed when I have those rare occasions to do something and things just fall apart.
As I posted on Twitter earlier, I rather wish I could just beat myself unconscious for a significant period of time. I'm not suicidal - that goes too far - but I see little point in continuing the daily grind like I am now since it just never leads to anything satisfactory. The brief moments of happiness I have are almost always swept away either by work, by things going awry, or some other unforeseeable calamity that leaves me feeling even more hopeless about my prospects of ever actually getting more than a transient moment of happiness that's immediately swept away in another wave of depression.
Frankly I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I doubt anyone's going to read it anyway, especially not anyone who could actually make me happy. That is, of course, if there really is someone who could cheer me up.
I must confess I chuckled more than a little when I first read this; to me it's an admission of things I felt were present in your character when I met you in person- but I'm aware that's easy for anyone to say in hindsight. You seem to need distractions in your life- which would, in turn, suggest there are things you aren't willing to face. Trying to use other people to "make you happy" is a hopeless endeavor, and is also a rather manipulative one as well. Speaking of hope, it is just a tactic to keep you going a little further, only to fall short of any real goal and leads to further disappointments. My advice is quit playing games with other people and act how you really want to- by yourself first- others will eventually accept how you are even if you get a lot of crap from others who are trying to use you for their own ends. If you don't stop faking it through life, this is exactly how your life will continue from here on out- empty & fake.
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