It seems that my very presence in the world is quickly becoming obsolete. It seems there are very few people that ever try to contact me themselves; usually I just find myself nearly begging just to get any attention at all. And yet it seems like most of the other people I know are constantly surrounded by friends when I simply have people turn away and ignore me without even telling me what I've done wrong. I wish I understood friendship - or relationships of any kind - well enough to actually make healthy relationships on my own.
I'm sure there are a few people there who just would love to rip me a new one for being depressed again. Instead of that, why don't you try to explain to me what 22 years of experience haven't made clear? I don't understand people. At all. And it just seems like I constantly find myself further away from everyone. I just wish I had someone who felt the same way about me as I do about any of my closest friends. I don't want a mate - at least, I think I don't, not in the way most people seem to take that - but still want someone who cares a lot and whom I care a lot about. I don't want to just disappear, as I know that's even more psychologically unhealthy than what I'm already going through. I don't want to end up with someone who wants to smother me and close me off from everyone else. I fear saying "love" and "mate" as they imply far too much, and yet can find no other words to describe what I want, despite the way I allegedly have with words.
But, ultimately, no matter how I try to phrase it, what I want are people (not just one) who care about me and that I can care just as passionately about, without us restricting one another's lives. People I know who will be there for me and that I can be there for without fear of rejection, or of being backstabbed, or of simply becoming obsolete.
*hugs?*
ReplyDeleteI kind of know what you mean there; I don't seem to quite understand how it all works either; I'm deathly afraid of making a move towards someone for any reason whatsoever for fear that they'd rather not have anything to do with me at the time. I doubt that they'd mind, but a part of me disagrees half the time. It sucks!
And then there's the whole not having enough time to devote towards a friendship to make it more than just "I know this guy, we talk sometimes" at times. Which really makes the relationship thing a total bust. Of course past relationships kind of threw a wrench into that too; I could probably make it work but after what happened last time I'm afraid to try.
Regardless, I consider you a friend through thick and thin! Even if we don't talk much on IM or phone (which with phones it's a bit worse on the contacting people and fearing I'm being a bother. Add to the fact that I kind of get shy when I'm on the phone :P Or with someone, but that's not nearly as bad. Still frusterating sometimes! When I'm with someone I want to do things with, things that one shouldn't do in public :P I tend to get rather shy about suggesting things, or initiating things. But anyways!)
You'll never have to worry about me backstabbing you! I'd be too worried about what you'd think of me if I tried :P
You're not the only one that doesn't understand relationships. Sometimes I don't even know if I want a mate or not. :P I know I frequently forget to call you back, but that's mainly due to stress and worry making me absentminded.
ReplyDeleteAbout what you said about envying those who are surrounded by friends, think of this: the tightest friendships are usually formed when one has only a close, small circle of friends
I've never been any good at contacting people for the most part. Generally unless I'm calling to make plans or confirm something, or anything thats more business related I hardly call people. I probably drive new cousin (which we didn't even know we were cousins until a few years ago) crazy because I don't ever call her.
ReplyDeleteI guess with me I don't really know much what to talk about. I consider most of my own life rather uneventful and uninteresting, hence why my attempts at an online journal or blog have utterly failed. Unfortunately the last few times you were in Indianapolis I had plans that I couldn't change and we couldn't work around, otherwise I'd jhave gladly came by to visit.